I still hate paperwork. Can't we throw all that and the scrubbing duties onto someone else like the rookie masquerading as our Director?

That said, we need to have a new round of fun. That means...

Reno's Momma

This is an easy game that anyone can play. All you have to do is point out something about Reno's momma. Examples are:

Reno's momma is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Reno's momma is so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Reno's momma is so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Reno's momma is twice the man he is.
Reno's momma is so fat, her shoes have license plates.
I saw Reno's momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving."

((Gunfire, squealing, and the occasional scream or curse highlights this cheerful musical piece that is being performed by the Turks' own Rod as he's shooting and zapping them.))

If your ratty gets all scatty 'cos his coat is getting matty (like Reno)
And he's acting kinda batty now he doesn't look so natty
If he starts to get all chatty and to voice pratty demands (like Reno)
Then beware! You've got a bratty tatty ratty on your hands.

((Rod gives a 'rat-a-tat-tat' in the background.))

If your doe has had a go with all her bro' bucks in a row
And you've seen her face aglow and her belly grow with woe
If she's getting glad and gloating and gargantuous in girth
Then at any time you guess that your grand girl is gonna birth

(('Die!' probably wasn't needed here along with the snap-zzz of him electrocuting something with his EMR... or it's death shriek.))

If your buck has had no luck getting his lazy butt unstuck
And you pluck him from his hammock to a chorus of "You suck!" (like Reno!)
If his fat Reno furry form is in a squishy slug disguise
Then it's right to get this roly rotund rat some exercise!

Slacks like what we Turks wear were meant to be worn with skivvies. There is a thick seam right in the middle that...

I'll spare you.

Vincent. Debriefing. Some stuff happened. You died. Zack had a materia. More stuff happened. Angeal told a story. I still don't get it. You came back to life. Tifa boob-squished you. There. You're now debriefed in more ways than one if you're missing vital undergarments.

As much as I would like to play a round of Reno's momma, Elena gave me a lecture about it since he's not here to defend himself. My view is that it's not my fault that Reno's momma is so stupid she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

We did Barret's momma. Did Armand's momma, well, most of the countryside did at least from the rumours. Can't do Sephiroth. That's what got me killed last time. He really can squeeze your throat until it pops. Wish I had passed out before that happened.

How about Gabriel's momma since she likes to tell us all how evil we are. I'll start.

Gabriel's momma is so stupid that she'd trip over a cordless phone.
Gabriel's momma is so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'
Gabriel's momma is so stupid that she put a stamp on a fax.

Who's next?

The good thing about being a second-timer here is that I didn't have to go through the whole 'How is Sephiroth evil?' routine again. That was embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as when he crushed my throat, but pretty close. That man does NOT need a warm fluffy puppy to feel better about himself and realize the error of his ways. I can testify to that fact.

Unless this is a new Sephiroth than the two I knew, he has zero appreciation for a good game of 'Sephiroth's Momma'. It's just sad when someone can't laugh at themselves. I mean, it's not his fault that his momma is so fat she jumped up and just stuck in the Lifestream! Do we hold that against him? No.

Angeal! You, me, strip club! Tonight! What's this I hear about you being a diaper tomorrow with two wings and some heart shaped arrows? Is this some new and kinky game of yours and Genesis' because if it is, I'm not sure I want to know.

Uh. When did Cissnei stop sleeping with that telepath and Elena started? I miss out on all the good stuff.

Vinny! I told you, man. Once a Turk always a Turk. Welcome aboard again!

What in Shiva's name is a giant mini space hamster? Is it like a normal hamster? Or is this a hamster that's going to eat us all in our sleep?

Speaking of which, I could use some.

It's day three, and still no Reno. I could like this. I already redecorated his office and desk some. How did he get such a nice office chair? Even Elena's has a few rips, and Reno's looks brand new. I did find a pair of his goggles too. I wonder if I could sell them. Anyone interested?

Why would he tape five cartons of cigarettes to the bottom of his desk against the back panel? Did we have a rush of cigarette thieves after I left?

Work, yeah, getting to that.

Usually we play a round of Reno's Momma, but today we're going to have a special guest star! Mr Barret Wallace decided to pay Shin-Ra Company a visit yesterday and made Mello's already ugly face even worse. We don't really appreciate that. So, in honour we'll be playing:

Barret's Momma!

The game is really simple. All you have to do is give an example of something Barret's momma is.

Barret's momma is so bald, she took a shower and got brainwashed!

See? Anyone can do it.

Barret's momma is so greasy, her freckles slipped off.
Barret's momma is so fat she jumped up into the Lifestream and got stuck.
Barret's momma is so dumb she stole some free samples.
Barret's momma is so fat, that she wears two watches -- one for each time zone.
Barret's momma is so fat that when she plays hopscotch, it's Costa del Sol, Midgar, Cosmo Canyon...
Barret's momma is so poor, the bank repossessed her cardboard box.
Barret's momma is so stupid she locked her self in a motorcycle.

Everyone give it a try!

This place is like listening to one of Angeal's stories. You know there's a point in there somewhere, but you just can't figure it out. So you sit there for the next hour trying to puzzle out what it might be. When you finally hit on what you're damn sure was the whole reason he told you a story about cookies and needing a plate for them, you go find him, and tell him! It's at this moment you feel pretty damn smart.

Instead he just looks at you, grins, and tells you that no story isn't worth hearing before walking off. I swear he told me stories just to see me wander around talking to myself for the rest of the day. See, we all wondered why Genesis dressed up as a woman all the time. That's why! Angeal finally pushed him over the edge telling him fucked up pointless stories!

Ken came and got me last night. How is Elena in charge? She was a little kid with puppy dog hair! Last time I was here, she was a Turk, and I think Veld and Vincent Valentine were in charge?

At least Cissnei and Ana are here for me to peek at in the shower and blame on Reno. I still say it was him who washed all of Veld's and Lazard's coffee beans in laxative, not me. I was framed!

Thought for the day: Reno's momma isn't so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!

You know, just because I was the first person to pass out at last night’s crawl was not a good reason to dump me off in the middle of nowhere. I hope you all had a good time trying to explain to Veld why his coffee maker is still broken this morning! You know how he gets if he hasn’t had any java. Serve you all right to have to do training for a couple of hours since I’m stuck... wherever I am.

WHAT THE HELL? You guys dumped me off at in some alleyway!

Shit! It’s cold, and I’m tired, not to mention fucking hungover. I bet Reno is at the bottom of this. What the hell? Ana? Is there a reason you let him do this to me? Didn’t I fix your coffee grinder last week? Ken? Remember that time Reno put bubblegum in your katana sheath? Didn't I clean it out? Cissnei? Didn't I disarm that explosive in the women's toilet for you that I'm sure Reno put in there? Rude? Okay, Rude, you’re a lost cause if you’re going to let yourself work with a loser like Reno. Reno's momma is so fat that when she plays hopscotch it's Junon, Midgar, Cosmo Canyon, Costa del Sol.

Oh no. Wait. I recognize this place. Oh damn it. Why am I here again?